I bang on the bathroom window hard, once, twice, watching the moth attached to the glass jump back only to fly right back, drawn to the only source of light in the endless dark outdoors.
I continue banging and banging, in my mind as a warning
‘don’t find your way in, I’ll have to kill you’
After a few more times of my fist making forceful contact on the window, the moth becomes too used to the loud sound, to the slight vibration of the window, and no longer seems phased. It just stays attached there until I step out, turning off the source of light, and I can only imagine the confusion as it flies off to a different location.
I wonder if this is me, drawn to something that seems great but hides danger. I wonder if there have been signs warning me to back off, I wonder if I too, became immune to the warnings. I especially wonder when that light attracting me turns off, where I’ll end up next.
I read my past posts and back then I thought I would get better overtime.
I’m writing this exhausted, beaten down by the world. The same world strips me naked and eventually I don’t even have my own skin to hide behind in.
I want to give up but my stubborn self keeps pushing to go forward, uncaring if what will end up there is only a piece of me that survived the journey.
I see everything with a darkened view, I hear everything filtered through possibly the devil’s mouth and feel everything too cold and too hot.
It’s the rush, I think, that I enjoy. I appreciate the quiet in my life but once in a while I just crave something to get my adrenaline pumping and heartbeat pounding.
I’m possibly the most careful person I know within my family and acquaintances, but there are nights where I drive back home in the darkest hour of the day, fast enough that everything is a blur and I can never tell if that’s the speed I’m going or if it’s me.
Sometimes I hold back these urges for so long that when I give in, by the end of the night I’m hysterically laughing out my window against the wind, feeling like nothing can hurt me.
It’s the excitement, the excitement of having secrets, the excitement of the possibility of destroying myself.
Normally I’ll stay away from this but when I give in, it’s the best feeling in the world.