It’s Okay.

As we age and mature we realize that what we planned sometimes do not go the way we want.

We lose people in our lives, we gain new friends and we learn to fail and move on with life.

I lost a friend I’ve had for years and years and only then did I realize that the person that I lost was not the person that I became friends with.

People change and sometimes it’s hard to accept that but we have to realize we ourselves change as well.

People ask me if I’m okay losing such a close friend and why I refuse to work things out with her.

I thought about it thousands of times, should I contact her, should I accept her apology and restart from there?

Sometimes though, unfortunately, it isn’t worth the effort anymore.

You can miss someone and not want them back after all.

It took months of uncertainty, of missing the precious memories, but that’s what they are, memories that we obviously could not recreate or replace with anymore good ones.

I took the good memories with me and I left before the bad things can ruin even those.

Only I know what’s good for me and I know that cutting people out of my life is a difficult choice but sometimes these are decisions that will work for you in the long run.

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Smoke up in a glimpse of Heaven

I bang on the bathroom window hard, once, twice, watching the moth attached to the glass jump back only to fly right back, drawn to the only source of light in the endless dark outdoors.

I continue banging and banging, in my mind as a warning

‘don’t find your way in, I’ll have to kill you’

After a few more times of my fist making forceful contact on the window, the moth becomes too used to the loud sound, to the slight vibration of the window, and no longer seems phased. It just stays attached there until I step out, turning off the source of light, and I can only imagine the confusion as it flies off to a different location.

I wonder if this is me, drawn to something that seems great but hides danger. I wonder if there have been signs warning me to back off, I wonder if I too, became immune to the warnings. I especially wonder when that light attracting me turns off, where I’ll end up next.

 

12.03_a.m

I read my past posts and back then I thought I would get better overtime.

I’m writing this exhausted, beaten down by the world. The same world strips me naked and eventually I don’t even have my own skin to hide behind in.

I want to give up but my stubborn self keeps pushing to go forward, uncaring if what will end up there is only a piece of me that survived the journey.

I see everything with a darkened view, I hear everything filtered through possibly the devil’s mouth and feel everything too cold and too hot.

 

130 mph

It’s the rush, I think, that I enjoy. I appreciate the quiet in my life but once in a while I just crave something to get my adrenaline pumping and heartbeat pounding.

I’m possibly the most careful person I know within my family and acquaintances, but there are nights where I drive back home in the darkest hour of the day, fast enough that everything is a blur and I can never tell if that’s the speed I’m going or if it’s me.

Sometimes I hold back these urges for so long that when I give in, by the end of the night I’m hysterically laughing out my window against the wind, feeling like nothing can hurt me.

It’s the excitement, the excitement of having secrets, the excitement of the possibility of destroying myself.

Normally I’ll stay away from this but when I give in, it’s the best feeling in the world.

18

There was a time when I thought I was in love.

That was the first and last time I felt that way.

Sneaking out of someone else’s home during a sleepover to sit on top of the monkey bars in the local park with him, gazing up at the starless dark sky and talking about anything else but the obvious feelings between us.

We both knew that we were good for each other since then but it’s too bad that we only got the courage to admit our feelings years later when the timing was anything but ideal.

I used to think, during our fights after we broke up, what if we confessed during that time in the park, during our video chat sessions, our hushed phone calls, during the time we were able to stand each other, able to look at each other without anger and resentment.

I wonder when, not only our relationship as a couple, but our relationship as friends fell apart.

I couldn’t imagine life without your friendship back then, I would have never been able to imagine that it would turn into this. I still can’t fathom how it did turn into this.

Turn into drunken calls past midnight, flirting with each other, cheating on whoever we were with at the time, the flirting turning into screams and broken accusations and frustration a couple of minutes in.

We tried to fix us, it was just impossible for two completely broken and fucked up people to fix something together.